Wasted
by Brandywine421
Summary: Where does Ryan really belong? PG for language
1. Wasted

****

Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related. 

Wasted

  
"…If I could change my life   
Be a simple kind of man try to do the best I can   
if I could take the sides   
I'd derail every path I could   
now I'm about to die   
won't you clear away from me   
give me strength to fly away…"

à Cold "Wasted Years"

  
Ryan Atwood is almost ready to leave the best life he's ever known. He has friends, a surrogate family that's treated him better than his blood relatives ever did and he's walking away from it all. 

Or he's thinking about it. This is the third night this week that he's found himself sitting on the curb with his bag behind him, trying to come up with a reason to stay.

He's sitting on the curb smoking a forbidden cigarette. He's been living with the Cohens for over a month now and he hasn't smoked a single cigarette since Mrs. Cohen sat him down and gave him the house rules. 

Ryan has been given a lot. He inhales deeply. His brother got him arrested and he met Mr. Cohen who took him in when his mother abandoned him. The Cohens are rich whereas Ryan has never had money, not enough to spare anyway. He has always had to work for everything that he wanted. Until now. The Cohens give him anything that he dares ask for, which isn't much. He's been happy enough to have shelter over his head and food to eat. Kirsten is always trying to get him to ask for things and when he doesn't, she buys him things anyway. He has a drawer full of CD's and electronic equipment that she purchased for him so Seth wouldn't have more than Ryan. He didn't ask for any of it. 

Ryan works at a local restaurant and would choke before he asked the Cohen's for money. He can support himself as long as they continue to house him. Lately, he finds that he can't even eat meals with them without guilt taking his appetite. This isn't his life. This isn't his path. Somehow, he's lost his way.

He's an Atwood. He shouldn't be here living the high life. He doesn't deserve this. He inhales deeply, filling his lungs with the poison smoke. He isn't sure what he deserves but he knows that it isn't this. These people are too good for him. He's not good enough for them. He simply doesn't belong.

So he's leaving. He thinks. Ryan doesn't know what to do. For the first time in his life, he's got a stable environment. His mother's long gone. He doesn't have to worry about hauling her ass home from the bar or cleaning her up after her latest binge. He doesn't have to worry about her boyfriends beating the shit out of him for existing. He doesn't have to worry about getting to school or defending himself against the gangbangers. He's stable.

So why is he leaving? Ryan lights a fresh cigarette, his lungs screaming at him. 

Seth is like a brother to him. Seth is the most refreshing person he's ever met. Ryan would die to protect him. 

Sandy Cohen is the only man that's ever treated Ryan with respect. Sandy appreciated his intelligence during his first meeting with him and treats him as an equal. He's the only man that Ryan has ever admired. He would like to be a man worthy of Sandy's approval one day. 

Kirsten Cohen, well, Ryan respects her but she's always been standoffish. If he has to pick one reason for taking off, he would have to say her name. She's taken care of him in every way, she's the one that made the final decision for letting him stay with them but something…she's the reason that he knows that he doesn't belong. Sandy wasn't raised here. Seth was blessed with Sandy's influence. Kirsten was born and raised here. Ryan has watched her follow the rules and live up to the standards of the upper class community. He realizes that Kirsten is different from the other ladies, but he can see in her eyes when she looks at him that she doesn't think he should be here. She pities him for his home life and he can't forgive her for that no matter how much he cares about her. Where his affection for her is because of her loving nature and willingness to care of him, her limited affection for him is due to her pity. 

"Ryan? What are you doing out here? It's three a.m."

Ryan doesn't raise his eyes. "Marissa." The reason that he hasn't left yet. Beautiful, delicious, shattered Marissa. They had danced around each other the first few weeks, she was bound to Luke, her ex, and he was too fucked up from the drama in his own life to make a real play for her. Then she lost Luke, her parents' divorced and she overdosed on painkillers. Ryan stood by her the whole time, holding her when she couldn't stop crying and listening to her when she needed to talk. But he wouldn't offer himself to her as a lover or anything more than a friend. He knows from past experience that a person broken inside shouldn't depend on their lover for everything. They have to learn to depend on themselves first. So they are still dancing around their deeper feelings but they have become close friends. Closer than friends. 

"Ryan? Are you alright?" She asks, sitting down beside him. 

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Then what are you doing out here? Smoking, no less?" She asks, unsure. He still doesn't meet her curious gaze. If he looks at her, he might tell her what he's thinking and that's something he can't afford. This has to be his decision. It is his decision. He'll only bring more pain and drama to everyone if he stays.

"Ryan. You've been quiet the last few days. Even quieter than normal. Even Seth's noticed. What's going on?"

Ryan glances at her, taking a final drag off the cigarette before tossing it into the street. "How'd you know I was out here?" He asks, not answering her question and lighting another cigarette.

She plucks it from his fingertips, startled. "I saw you out the window and I was worried. You're chain smoking these, now?"

He takes the smoke back from her and inhales again. 

"Ryan. Please. Talk to me," Marissa whispers, putting her hand on the back of his neck. Her pleading voice breaks his stoicism. 

"I can't," Ryan replies. She is startled when he finally meets her gaze. "Everything's fine." He looks away again, trying to ignore the knot in his stomach that is growing from her contact. 

Ryan has always felt a connection with Marissa unlike any other person. He felt like he could see through her and could read her. Until tonight, he didn't think she felt the same way. No one's ever been able to read Ryan, he's too good at hiding for that. 

"What is it?" She asks, worry leaking from her voice.

"Nothing. It's nothing."

"You're…you look like you're giving up or something. Like you're losing everything again. Ryan…" 

"It's nothing, Marissa. Really," Ryan says, quietly.

"I don't believe you," She replies. He shrugs, needing her to leave so he can do this. He has to walk away. He owes the Cohen's that much. He's a time bomb and it's only a matter of time until he blows up in their face. Things have been too good for too long and he's kidding himself if he thinks that they're going to stay that way. He has to go. He has to move on to the next step.

"Ryan, if you don't start talking to me right now…" She starts.

"You'll what?" Ryan asks with a slight smile.

"I'll go wake up the Cohens," She replies seriously. 

"What is it that I'm doing that worries you so much?" Ryan asks after a beat.

"I know you, Ryan. And something's wrong," Marissa replies. 

"Nothing's wrong," He replies. 

She is staring at him. He can feel her eyes on him, looking him over as if she can find the key to his mood on his face. He takes another drag off the cigarette.

"You're scaring me."

"I'm not meaning to. I'm just smoking," He replies indifferently. He wishes he could explain it to her. He won't let himself think about her face when she realizes he's gone. Seth will want answers from her when he finds out that she was the last one to talk to him. Ryan remembers that his backpack is setting under a nearby shrub. He hopes she doesn't spot it. He should have started walking already. 

"You quit," She replies.

"I quit. Exactly," Ryan mutters.

"What?" She asks, not catching his words.

"I just need to be by myself, Marissa. I'm sorry. I'm not good company today."

"Ryan, you…listen." She takes his free hand and squeezes it. "You are my best friend. It takes a lot for me to say that since Summer's always been there for me but you…you understand me. I thought we understood each other. You…saved me from myself and it's unfair for you to shut me out like this. Why won't you talk to me?" 

Ryan doesn't respond. His mind is too clouded with his feelings for Marissa right now for him to speak. 

"Psst. What's going on?" Seth's voice startles them both. "What are you guys doing out here?"

"Nothing," Ryan answers before Marissa can respond. 

"You're smoking? You better not let Mom see…" Seth says, sitting down beside Marissa. Ryan has explained to Seth that he can't be with her romantically so he knows that Seth won't leave because he thinks he's intruding. 

"Something's up with Ryan," Marissa tells Seth. 

"What?" Seth asks.

Ryan sighs, tossing his cigarette into the street near his other discarded butts. 

"He won't tell me."

Seth tilts his head as he leans forward to look at his friend. Ryan notices his eyes flickering to the backpack. "Perhaps it has to do with his backpack over there." Marissa gasps.

And Ryan knows that he's busted. There's no way Seth or Marissa will understand why he has to leave. He won't be able to leave tonight and they'll be watching him day and night to make sure he stays. 

"Ryan!" Marissa shakes his arm but he doesn't look at her. he silently lights another cigarette.

"What's up, man?" Seth asks, after a pause. "Are you leaving us?"

"Why, Ryan? Things are great…you're making, like, straight A's, you're almost off probation…" Seth starts.

"I can't explain this to you," Ryan whispers. 

"Try," Seth states, quietly. 

"Give us a reason not to go and wake up the Cohens."

"I don't belong here. Don't you feel it?" Ryan asks, his gaze locked on the cigarette in his hand. "I just don't fit. It's only a matter of time before everything comes apart." He waits for them to speak.

"You do belong, Ryan. I feel it. You belong with us. You belong with me." 

Ryan is stunned when he feels Marissa's lips pressed against his. He lets himself enjoy it for a moment before pulling away. "No…"  
She grabs his arm, keeping him from standing up. "Yes. You know it. You know that this is where you belong…"

"You don't know me," Ryan says, torn. "You guys don't know anything about me…I'm tainted…"

"You're my brother, Ryan. I can't believe that you could just walk away from that," Seth says, quietly. 

"We need you, Ryan," Marissa whispers. "And you need us."

Ryan stops trying to pull away. He covers his face with his hand. 

"Ryan. Stay. Stop running. Stop expecting things to fall apart. You can trust us," Marissa whispers. 

"Please, Ryan? Let's go back inside," Seth says. 

Ryan doesn't want to fight anymore. He nods. "Okay." 

Marissa hugs him, happy. "Oh, baby…you scared me so bad…"

"Sorry…" He says, putting an arm around her and meeting Seth's gaze. "You going to tell your folks?"

"Do I need to?" He asks. "Can you give me your word that you'll stay?"

Ryan nods but doesn't speak. He can't promise anything. Not yet. But he'll give it some more time. 


	2. Fading

****

"I could possibly be fading…"

à Mazzy Starr

Ryan gets up early and dresses for school. Today, not only does he feel like he's in the wrong place and on thin ice, he also feels like he's let his friends down. Seth scared him last night. He was so hurt. Ryan didn't want to hurt him. He wanted to sever the connection, quickly so it wouldn't hurt by him stretching out the disconnection.

Ryan goes into the kitchen. Seth is sitting at the counter, eating cereal. Seth watches him pour a glass of orange juice. He sits beside Seth, waiting.

Kirsten enters, smiling at them. "Morning."

Neither replies. Ryan keeps his eyes distant and unfocused. He knows Seth is watching him.

"Everything okay?" Mrs. Cohen asks.

"Fine," Ryan and Seth say together.

"Really?" She asks, more concerned.

"Yes," They reply.

Seth is staring at Ryan. Even with Kirsten's concerned attention, Ryan has to stop this.

"What?" Ryan asks, turning to face Seth.

"You're not eating our food," Seth replies. Ryan is stunned.

"What?" Kirsten asks, confused. Sandy enters.

"Good morning," Sandy says.

"I haven't seen you eat here in days. You don't eat our food," Seth states again.

Ryan is stricken. He can't believe that Seth would accuse him of something in front of the Cohens.

"What are you talking about?" Ryan asks evenly.

"You know what I'm talking about," Seth replies, meeting his intense gaze.

"One of you needs to tell us what you're talking about," Sandy says, beside Kirsten now.

"No, I don't Seth. Explain it to me," Ryan challenges, his voice cold.

"What the hell is wrong with you? When did you get all psycho?" Seth responds. Kirsten and Sandy are too stunned to stop them.

"I told you last night that you didn't know me," Ryan replies.

"I guess you're right," Seth states, cold.

"I don't usually lie to you," Ryan says. The argument is getting too personal. Seth said that he didn't know him. That's one step closer to doesn't care.

Seth's expression hardens. He opens his mouth to speak but stops as Ryan's glass shatters in his hand.

"Fuck," Seth says. Ryan is staring at his slashed hand and then to the puddle of orange juice, glass and blood on the counter.

"Excuse me," Ryan mutters, rushing from the room with his hand wrapped in the bottom of his black shirt. He manages to exit without giving Kirsten, Seth or Sandy a chance to follow him.

He turns the faucet on in the bathroom and lowers his bleeding hand under the flow. He is so focused on pulling the shards from his flesh that he doesn't hear Kirsten until she opens the door.

"I've got it," Ryan says.

"No talking. Stand still." Kirsten takes his hand and clucks her tongue. "You need stitches…"

"No. It's nothing." Ryan clenches his fist. "See? No nerve damage…"

"Stop that, Ryan," Kirsten gasps, startled. 

Ryan hasn't let himself feel the pain. He's numb.

She gently bandages his hand. Ryan hears Sandy's voice raised in worry from the kitchen.

"Tell me Seth!" Sandy yells.

Ryan winces.

"Do you want to tell me?" Kirsten asks.

"I don't know what that was about," Ryan replies.

"Ryan…"

"I don't know," Ryan says. He can't take his eyes off his blood swirling in the sink basin.

"Come on." Kirsten pushes him in front of her and they return to the kitchen.

"Ryan. What's going on?" Sandy demands. Seth is sitting, red-faced and silent.

"He's not talking," Kirsten answers when Ryan is unresponsive.

The room is silent. 

"Are you okay?" Seth asks, their gazes locked.

"Yeah. You care?" Ryan replies.

"Ask me tomorrow," Seth answers coldly.

"Seth!" Kirsten scolds. 

A car horn beeps. Marissa is their ride to school.

"You're both staying home today. Until we get to the bottom of this," Kirsten announces.

"I've got a history exam," Ryan says quietly.

"Why do you care?" Seth mutters.

"If you have something to say to me, just say it," Ryan snaps. Marissa gasps from the doorway.

"Marissa, the boys are staying home today," Sandy says. Seth exits, stomping to his room.

"Ryan…" Marissa starts, pale.

"Do you know something about this?" Kirsten asks her.

She hesitates. "No. I don't know."

"Okay," Sandy sighs. "No one's talking."

Ryan doesn't know how things got so out of control. 

"Go to the pool house, Ryan. Don't talk to Marissa and don't sneak off. We'll be out to talk to you," Sandy orders.

"I'll walk you out, Marissa," Kirsten says.

Ryan walks alone to the pool house. He steps inside. Despite the paralyzing pain from Seth's anger, Ryan knows that this is for the best. He sits down and reaches into his pocket. He pulls his brother's letter out of his wallet.

"_Ry._

Heard you're doing good, punk. Ma told me what happened. I have to admit, I was 

surprised. I can't believe youre my bro. You abandoned your ma and are fouling our

name. Mooching off those rich people who are too nice and stupid to see what you 

really are. Hope you can live with yourself you little shit.

Trey. 

Ryan refolds the letter. He sees Kirsten reenter the house. He pulls his backpack from under his bed and bolts out of the house into the sunny day.

*****


	3. Disintegrating

Seth doesn't tell his parents anything. He thinks that he might be incapable of speech. Ryan is unhappy. He wants to leave. Ryan is abandoning him.

"Seth. We're going to talk to Ryan. No TV. No computer. No games. You sit here and think," Sandy orders.

Seth gets a chill suddenly. "He's gone."  
"What?" Kirsten asks.

Seth realizes that Ryan is gone. "He's gone."

"Who?"

"Ryan. He said I don't understand but he didn't even try to explain it."

Sandy runs from the room. 

"Seth?" Kirsten calls, stricken with confusion.

Seth shakes his head. "He should have told Marissa…"

*****

**__**

"And if you ever find a way to make this interesting   
If I ever find a way to stop disintegrating   
Into pieces that I was, that you destroy   
When all that you wanted, all that you wanted   
Was a good man…"

à third eye blind "good man"  


Ryan sits on a bench about 20 miles outside of Newport. He lost Trey's letter and along with it, he lost his purpose.

He misses Marissa. He misses Seth's upbeat chatter. He misses Sandy and Kirsten. He shouldn't have left. He hasn't moved in hours.

Impulsively, he goes to the payphone. He dials Seth's cell phone. It rings several times.

"Hello?" Seth answers.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You still mad?" Ryan asks.

"I'm not mad," Seth's voice is low. 

"I thought I could do this," Ryan admits, trembling.

"Why?"

"Because I don't belong…"  
"Fuck you!" Seth snaps. "That's bullshit! You belong here!"

"That's not my life, Seth," Ryan starts.

"Then why are you calling?" Seth asks.

Ryan is speechless. He starts to hang up.

"Wait. I'm sorry. Dammit, Ryan…I've never had a friend like you…don't do this to me. I don't know what to say to you…"  
Ryan doesn't speak.

"Are you there?"

"I don't know," Ryan answers.

"Mom and Dad are freaking out."

"Shit, Seth…" Ryan breathes. "I'm all fucked up. I don't know what to do."

"Come home. I'll tell them something. Just come home," Seth urges.

"I don't know if I can…I…"  
"Ryan, everything will be fine. Okay? Just trust me. Come home."

"Okay."

Seth sighs. "Really?"

"Tell your parents that I'll be back if they'll have me."

"Ryan," Seth sighs. "They'll have you."

Ryan hangs up. He leans against the wall of the payphone, deflated. 

*****

Ryan is tired. He called a taxi and when it pulls up, all the lights are on in the Cohen's house. He steps out and tries to steady himself. He lights a cigarette and sits down on the curb, watching the taxi drive away. He glances up on his second cigarette. Sandy is beside him.

"Hey."

"I thought we were over this," Sandy says, quietly.

"I'm sorry," Ryan whispers. "I'm having a little…mental crisis…"  
"I found your brother's letter."

Ryan shivers.

"Is that it? Does his opinion matter that much to you?"

"He's family," Ryan replies.

Sandy sits down beside him. "Then what am I? What are Seth and Kirsten to you?"

"They don't know me…"  
"Really? Does your brother know you?" Sandy asks.

Ryan doesn't reply. 

"We can't help you if you don't let us."

"This is wrong."

"Why?" Sandy asks.

"It just it," Ryan replies.

"You're too smart for an answer like that," Sandy says.

"Everything…everything's so…perfect here…I'm damaged, Mr. Cohen. It's just a matter of time before I fuck this up…"

"We were okay before you got here, Ryan, if anything we're better now…"

"That's not what I mean," Ryan interrupts. He can't stop himself from trembling. "You don't understand. I'm poison, Mr. Cohen. If I'm around…bad shit happens…"

Sandy doesn't know how to respond.

"It doesn't make sense to you…god…" Ryan loses his breath. He's trying to explain it for the first time and it sounds stupid. He's right because they don't understand.

"Go on, Ryan. I'm listening," Sandy urges.

"I can't…" Ryan says, putting his face in his hands.

"Please. You're too important to this family. Please go on. Tell me what's going on," Sandy whispers.

"My whole life has been like a car crash. A chain reaction of fucked up shit…" Ryan starts. "And its like a pattern that just keeps repeating where things are good and I'll actually let my guard down and then it all blows up." He pauses, lowering his hands. "And I can't stop it. People die. People go to jail. It's like I'm cursed and it has to be me, because that shit…it just doesn't happen to people like Seth or your wife."

"Ryan," Sandy says quietly. "You're a good kid with a shitty past. But it's not your fault. You're only sixteen, how can you be sure that things can't change?"

"Because I'm sixteen and I've never seen it really happen," Ryan whispers.

"I don't know how I can make you believe what I do," Sandy sighs.

"What's that?" Ryan asks absently.

"That you're an amazing kid. That you're a part of this family." He puts an arm around Ryan, shaking him gently. "I am trying to help you. I'm trying to break that cycle for you and give you what you deserve."

Ryan glances at him.

"You're a part of this family, Ryan. Your brother doesn't know you. He doesn't know how great you are if he can't see that you're better here."

Ryan is silent.

"Ryan?"

"I'm thinking," Ryan answers honestly, his mind swirling.

"Sandy?" Kirsten's voice comes from the top of the driveway.

"Are you coming in?" Sandy asks Ryan.

"Yeah," Ryan nods. They stand up.

Kirsten embraces Ryan when she sees him, startling him with her worried expression. She is reluctant to release him. "Ryan, you're home…"

"I'm sorry…" Ryan says, quietly.

"You came home…" She says, crying. 

"Don't cry…I'm sorry," Ryan says, paling as she cries. He doesn't deserve her tears. 

"Kirsten…" Sandy embraces her, sensing Ryan's growing anxiety. "Shhh…"

Ryan is jolted as Marissa's scent overwhelms him as she hugs him ferociously from behind. "Ryan…" She's crying too.

"Don't cry…" Ryan says, turning to hold her. "I'm sorry…don't cry…"

"The prodigal returns," Seth says, meeting Ryan's gaze.

Ryan is stunned. He doesn't understand Seth's statement and he's too jumbled to try and think about it so he shuts himself down.

Seth's face softens to concern as he watches Ryan's face change and his eyes grow dull.

"I think we've all had a long day and we have a lot of things to think about," Sandy announces, looking at Seth and Ryan in concern.

"I'm sorry," Seth says as Marissa releases Ryan.

"No, you're not. But you don't have to be sorry," Ryan replies, his voice low so Sandy and Kirsten don't hear him.

Seth shakes his head in confusion. "Ryan, what…"

"I'm going to bed," Ryan says.

"Are you going to be there in the morning?" Marissa asks.

"Marissa. He came home," Sandy states. "He'll call you tomorrow."

Marissa hugs Ryan and leaves. 

"You guys can talk tomorrow. You're both too tired to talk right now," Sandy tells Ryan and Seth.

Ryan and Seth look at each other. 

"Truce?" Ryan asks quietly.

"Of course," Seth answers. 

Ryan goes to the pool house and lays down on the bed. He doesn't undress. He sleeps, too exhausted to do anything else. 

*****

Ryan jolts awake as he feels someone shaking him.

"Ryan!"

He sits up and struggles away. 

"It's Seth. Chill."

Ryan relaxes but he's out of breath.

"You were having a nightmare. I heard you talking in your sleep…" 

"Damn…"

"Are you okay?" Seth asks, concerned.

"Yeah. I think so," Ryan sighs. "Look, Seth…my head's all fucked up. I don't want to argue with you. I don't want you to hate me…"

"I don't hate you. I just don't understand. Why aren't you happy here?" 

"I am. That's why I'm so…scared…" Ryan replies.

"That doesn't make any sense…" Seth sighs.

"Not to you. The happier I get, the more I feel safe…the more I have to lose…"

Seth shakes his head. "Ryan. You're not in Chino anymore. You're not with your mom. You're here. I have your back, man," Seth replies.

"I know but…I don't want anyone to get hurt and…people get hurt…"

"Ryan, I've never seen you do anything except the right thing. I've never seen you intentionally do anything to put me in danger."

"I don't want to think like this, Seth but I can't stop thinking that I'm…" Ryan's voice trails off.

"Ryan, you're not damaged. I heard Mom and Dad talking. You're not damaged. Whatever happened to you with your dad or your mom, it didn't affect you. You're a good man…"  
Ryan snorts.

"Hey," Seth says. "Listen. You aren't like them. You're okay. You survived and you're better off. You didn't let them damage you."

Ryan is silent. Finally he glances up. "You really believe that?"

"Yes. Do you think I'd be hanging out with you if I thought you'd hurt me? Damn, Ryan…we're brothers."

Ryan smiles slightly. 

"Right?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. I guess so," Ryan replies.

"I think you have to let go of your past. It's eating away at you," Seth says quietly.

"I just…I don't know who I'm supposed to be now," Ryan sighs.

"You're Ryan. You're my brother. You're Marissa's friend. You're my partner in crime…"Seth smiles.

Ryan returns his smile. 

"So. We're okay?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. We always will be," Ryan replies. "We're family now."


	4. epilogue

****

EPILOGUE

Sandy comes into the kitchen and drops his briefcase on the floor as he kisses his wife on the cheek. "How was your day, honey?"

"It was generally okay."

"Where're the boys?" Sandy asks, sensing something on her face. 

"Seth's upstairs doing homework and Ryan's working an extra shift at the restaurant," Kirsten replies. She lays a letter on the counter. 

"What's this?"

"It's a letter from his brother," Kirsten says.

Sandy sighs. "You don't think we should give it to him?"

"What do you think? I mean…he seems better…" Kirsten starts.

"He's been working a lot of extra shifts down at the Crab Shack. I haven't seen him opening up anymore since he got back." Sandy sighs. "Did you have any idea that he was thinking of running away?"

"No, Sandy, but he barely talks to me at all," Kirsten sighs. "He's not my son, I don't know how to talk to him. I don't know what to say. '_Don't read your brother's letter because he's an asshole'_, I mean…what do we do?"

"I don't know. We can't withhold this from him. We have to trust that he won't take it to heart like he did the last letter…"

"What letter?" Seth asks, entering with a curious expression on his face.

"Nothing. It's for Ryan," Sandy responds. 

Seth freezes with his back to his parents, searching the fridge. "Ryan got a letter? From his brother?"

"How do you know…Did Ryan say something to you?" Kirsten asks.

Seth shakes his head. "No. I heard you talking about it. I didn't bring it up and he hasn't mentioned it. But you guys think that the letter is what set him off, right?"

"We don't know, Seth. Did you know he was thinking of leaving?"

"No. I had no idea," Seth replies. "He's…hard to read. Sometimes, I can see what he's thinking but most of the time…you just have to wait for him to bless you with a complete sentence."

Sandy sighs. "Do you think he's working at the Crab Shack to avoid us?"

"Nah, his boss just had to fire 3 waiters and he's really short staffed," Seth replies. "He's…he's not thinking so much about leaving anymore." Seth is quiet. 

"You've talked about it with him?" Kirsten asks, flushing as she realizes that Seth can talk to Ryan about these things easier than she can.

"Yeah," Seth replies. "I don't know what his family did to him to make him think that he's so worthless but…I think he's getting better."

"It's just going to take some time for him to adjust to life here, Seth," Kirsten says.

"I don't think you should give him that letter. It's just going to upset him more," Seth replies. 

"Trey is his brother. We can't withhold this letter, Seth, it's not ours. It's Ryan's," Sandy says. Seth sighs, but nods. 

****

"Icarus is not a tee shirt or a swan song, no   
He is born again and it's not easy being me   
But I can't promise I will mend or bend   
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth   
And I've just fallen back to earth   
Still you know I'll try again…"

à third eye blind  


Ryan walks out of the Crab Shack, exhausted. He's glad for the extra money but he knows that he'll probably fall asleep in class tomorrow if he stays up tonight to do his homework. 

"Thanks, kid! See you tomorrow!" His boss calls, as the restaurant goes dark.

"You need a ride?" 

Ryan jumps when he hears Marissa's voice. "Hey. What are you doing here?" He turns to the street where she is talking to him from his open window.

"I…I was thinking about you and Seth said you were working."

Ryan smiles. "You were thinking about me?"

"Yeah. Hop in," Marissa says, popping the locks on her SUV. Ryan climbs inside, closing the door behind him. 

"Thanks," Ryan says.

"No problem." She doesn't drive away. She leaves the truck in park and stares at the steering wheel.

"Marissa?" Ryan calls, frowning.

"I'm trying to think of the best way to put this…I don't want you to go…" Marissa says.

"I'm still here. I didn't go…"

"But you did, Ryan…you left again…your heart…it's not in this and I don't know…I don't know what I'd do if you left…I don't think I could handle it…" Marissa confesses. "So I started thinking…when you tried to leave before…you turned me away, you said…"

"Marissa, stop…"  
"No, Ryan…you said that if I spent the night that you didn't think you could leave…"

Ryan reaches out and puts his hand against her cheek. "Marissa. I don't want anything from you. It's not your responsibility to make me happy…"

"I know you don't want us to date, Ryan, you say it's too soon but…I've been over Luke ever since you got here and…" She leans her face into his hand. "It just seems wrong that we can't help each other through this…"

"We can. As friends, Marissa…" Ryan starts.

"I've heard your explanations, Ryan. You don't think I should base my recovery on you…but I'm not." She turns to him and takes his hands in hers. "I'm not because you've shown me that you'll be my friend whether we're dating or not. I know that you would do anything within your power to help me…"

Ryan doesn't want her to cry. Seeing the tears in her eyes is too much for him to handle. He takes her face in his hands and kisses her deeply. When he finally finds the strength to pull away, both are breathless. 

"I'm tired of waiting for you, Ryan…I want you…I don't want to miss my chance and you seem so…skittish lately…like you're afraid of me or something," Marissa says, quietly, recovering from their kiss.

"I'm not afraid of you, Marissa…I'm afraid of what's happening to me…" Ryan holds out his shaking hands, looking at them with wide blue eyes. 

Marissa leans across the seat and kisses him gently on the cheek as she takes his hand. "Talk to me. Please, Ryan. Tell me what you're afraid of…"

"Do you really want to do this, Marissa? Do you really to have to take all this baggage that I have dragging me down into your life? Do you have any idea how fucked up I really am?" 

Ryan's shaking voice startles Marissa. 

"Because…I can be there for you, Marissa…but…I'm not ready to open myself up to anybody yet…there's a lot of shit that I haven't dealt with and I don't think that I'm ready for this…"

"Why not? I…I love you, Ryan…"

"No, don't say that," Ryan gasps.

"Why not? Why do we keep tiptoeing around our feelings. I love you, Ryan. I love you…" Marissa starts.

"I have to go…I can't do this…" Ryan fumbles with the door handle.

She grabs his arm. "Don't run away from this, Ryan…" She pleads, pulling him toward her. 

All the color has left his skin and he is breathing shallowly. 

"Please…" She kisses him and after struggling for a moment, he accepts her mouth. She pulls him against her, trying to stop his trembling.

Finally, he pulls away. "Marissa…you don't love me…listen to me…just forget about me…" He bolts from the SUV before she can stop him. She doesn't see which direction he leaves in. She feels a sense of foreboding in her stomach. She hopes she hasn't driven him away again. She just wants him to stay.

*****

Ryan doesn't get home until after midnight. He wandered around, lost in thought until he finally gathers himself enough to go home. He walks into the pool house and finds Seth waiting for him. Before Seth can start questioning him, Ryan sits down heavily on the couch. 

"I have to be the biggest fuck up to ever walk these streets," Ryan mutters.

"What?" Seth asks, surprised.

"God, what's wrong with me?" Ryan continues. "I have the most beautiful girl in town all over me…begging me to go out with her…and I just walk away…"

"Chill, Ryan…come on…calm down…" Seth is shaken by Ryan's trembling hands. "Tell me what happened."

Ryan steadies himself. He takes a deep breath. "I didn't mean to get home so late…are your parents worried?"

"Mom's still up, she says she's not waiting for you, but she is. What happened with Marissa?"

Ryan shakes his head. "She wanted to drive me home. She wanted to talk to me. she says she doesn't want me to leave…she says she loves me and that we should be together…"

"And this is bad, why?" Seth asks after a beat.

"I can't do that to her. She deserves…" Ryan starts.

"You're not good enough for her? Is that it again?" Seth asks quietly. 

"I just…if I…god, this is so hard…" Ryan sighs. He meets Seth's gaze steadily. "See, back home, I didn't have any friends. People couldn't just pop into my house to visit me because they might get damaged in the 'family discussions'. I could never take a girl home to meet my folks. I took care of myself and that's all that I could do. Now…now, I want to be with Marissa, Seth, more than anything but…I don't know how…I don't know how to be a boyfriend, I don't know how to…talk…"

"You can't tell me that you never had a girlfriend, Ryan…" Seth says, trying to lighten the mood.

Ryan relaxes a little. "I never had a girlfriend, Seth. I'm not a virgin by any means but I've never…I've never let myself get close to people." 

"Ryan, you like Marissa don't you? I know you care about her, I've seen you stand by her these last few weeks when she's been recovering from her overdose. I've seen you take care of her, man, why are you freaking out?" Seth asks.

"I don't know…it feels right but…" Ryan shakes his head. "I'm just sprung right now…I don't know if I'm ready…"

"You've been stressed out for the past few days, Ryan, why don't you just relax…"

Ryan looks at Seth, curiously. "What's up?"

"What?"

"You were waiting for me out here. Why? What's going on?" Ryan asks.

"Um…you got a letter today," Seth says, quietly.

"From?" Ryan asks.

"Your brother."

Ryan doesn't react. "Really. Interesting."

Seth holds it out to him. 

"Trash it," Ryan whispers. 

"Really? You don't want to know…"

"Just trash it," Ryan repeats. "I live here now. I'm having enough personal issues right now without looking at that."

Seth's gaze drifts past him to the window. "You have some personal issues outside waiting for you, too," He says.

Marissa steps inside. "Hey."

"Hey," Ryan sighs.

"Oh, and Ryan? Wipe that lipstick off your face before you talk to Mom," Seth teases, leaving with the letter stuffed in his pocket. 

"Can we talk?" Marissa asks quietly.

Ryan sighs. He stands up and meets her by the door. "No. I don't think we can."

He kisses her, taking her breath. "I don't think words work for us anymore," He breathes, pulling her against him. She returns his embrace, returning his kiss desperately.

Seth runs into his mother in the kitchen. "Ryan's home."

"Really? Why was he so late?" She asks, relieved.

"Marissa. She's making a play for him…I mean, she needed to talk," He answers, blushing at his slip. 

Kirsten smiles. "Do I need to go interrupt?"

"Nah, I think he can handle it." Seth lays the letter on the counter in front of him mom. "He told me to trash it."

"Really?"

"Should we read it?" Seth asks.

"No, Seth. It's for Ryan. If he doesn't want it then it's not ours to read. Go on up to bed, you guys have school tomorrow," Kirsten says. As soon as he is gone with a kiss on the cheek, Kirsten picks up the letter. She opens it after a long pause.

"Ryan,

Sorry about the last letter, kid. Guess you could say I'm a little bitter that you're chillin

at the beach while I'm rotting away in here just like good old dad. I started thinking

about all the times you tried to talk me out of whatever scam I was planning. I 

remember that you didn't even want to go out with me the night we got arrested and

the only reason you went was because AJ had beaten the hell out of you the night before

and you wanted to leave him and mom alone for the night. I'm sorry for screwing you up. 

I'm glad that you have a chance to get out of this family. I wish I wasn't just like Mom, I 

wish that I had the brains that you do and that I could have been a better brother to you. I

wish for a lot of things. I get a lot of time for wishes in here. Alls I know is that you're a

good kid and if you can make a life for yourself with this lawyer's family, then you deserve 

it. Maybe you'll write me one day. Or not. 

Trey


End file.
